The Exchange

My mother lost her mother twice
Once in ’54, then later in life
The exchange was quick and quiet
The records sealed, the names made private
Her search began and ended with a judge
Her papers had been claimed in a freak basement flood
An entire family tree
An eternal privacy

Underwater
Underwater
I am afraid to see my heroes age
I am afraid of disintegration
If you’re not here, I cannot be here for you
If you’re not here, I cannot be alone
Mother, father
I’m underwater
And I don’t think you can pull me out of this

There’s virgin oil painted over my door
And hotel soap from every city
Lined up in my window
Blew my per diem on an eighth of Blue Dream
So I can breathe but I still can’t breathe
Around my mouth, brown paper bag
Founding fathers on my back

I’m no martyr
I’m no martyr
I’m just
Afraid to see my heroes age
I am afraid of disintegration
If you’re not here, I cannot be here for you
If you’re not here, I cannot be alone
Mother, father
I’m underwater
Underwater
Underwater

I’ve so much that I want to sing
But there’s no room for toothbrushes and poetry, I
Pray to Jesus Christ incessantly, I
Shine my shoes for the Fat Lady, I’m still
Underwater

I’m underwater
Underwater
Underwater
I am afraid to see my heroes age
I am afraid of disintegration
If you’re not here, I cannot be here for you
If you’re not here, I cannot be alone
Mother, father
I’m underwater
And I don’t think you can pull me out of this

I will no longer claim to know
Where we go when it’s time to go
But when you go, will I go too?
When you go, I am going too

I’m underwater
I’m underwater
Mother, father
I’m underwater
I’m underwater
I’m underwater
Mother, father
I’m underwater